I Want This So Badly...

When was the last time you wanted something really badly?

I guess for some it's the new iphone or that house you saw on the way up north. 

For others it's that job you've spent four years of your life studying for or maybe it's more personal than that.

There aren't a lot of things that I've wanted more badly than this. And it's hard for me to talk about things that are not yet mine. I don't like to be in want, I don't like getting my hopes up for things that are not certain and I don't like sounding discontent.

In fact, the last thing I wanted this badly... was not meant for me. 

And God didn't let me have it.

Stand Firm and Let God Fight

I had an unpleasant encounter with a neighbor a few days ago.
After a day long meeting and an hour in traffic, I enter the gate to my street and out of the darkness, a man I've never met, says harshly, "Where's the 500 you owe for security?"
My response should have had much more patience but it didn't. The short 'conversation' ended with, "This gate is illegal, I should call city council!" He yelled as I stormed off, "If you don't pay, you don't pass through the gate. There! I've told the guards, you can't pass here now."

If He Said It...

It was a Wednesday night and watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was a bad idea because I was already feeling a bit emotional.

I was trying to get my mind off of this huge mountain in front of me but just looking away doesn't make anything disappear. Two hours of avoidance had gone by and I knew I had to face it. There was a deadline in my near future and there was absolutely nothing that I could do to meet it.

I needed to hear from God so I approached Him in the laziest way I could: I opened up a Bible Study that I had been doing with a group of ladies, ironically titled, "He speaks to me." I re-read sentence after sentence and it was only after two pages of not really reading that I finally gave up and timidly opened my mouth.

It wasn't long before I became a puffy-faced mess on my bedroom floor.

I realized there were things I hadn't talked to God about, simply because I didn't want to say them out loud. and then I got to the heart of it: "I can't do this God. I have no resources, no money, There's nothing I can do to make this happen. You HAVE to do this."

This Is Kinda Tough

Bad news...
Immigration has decided to decline my application for a missionary permit.
I have yet to find out the reason yet, but this means that I am not YET a resident of Kenya.
My tourist visa is expiring at the beginning of July and so I need to leave the country... again.

There are a lot of aspects of this situation that are trying to bring me down and, I'm not going to lie, I have my days of stress. It's really hard when things that are out of your control don't go as you want them to. And it's just plain hard when things are out of your control. But God is doing something big here and taking me through a transition. And even though the boat may be rocking, this boat will reach the shore... eventually.

We all know that when it rains it pours and boy, is it pouring right now. I won't go into detail about everything that is standing in my way because it's just temptation to complain and forget to trust in my God.

But I do need prayer. Please pray for provision for my going home and returning again.
Provision has been a theme in my life for the past few years and you'd think I would have learned to trust without doubting by now. But I admit, it is still a lesson I need to learn. I'm waiting on God for what seems like a miracle. And when it happens, I know it will be undeniably His doing.

I Only Asked For Bread

...and somehow ended up with a bakery.

In my last post I mentioned that one of my weaknesses is trusting that I am worthy of all of God's goodness through answered prayer. To re-cap, it says in Matthew 5:9-11, "You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."

My lack of trust has nothing to do with God answering my prayers or not, cause the more I look at my history of relationship with Him, it's clear to see that I am insane for believing this lie. One thing that is for sure though is that my previous lack of vulnerability in bringing things to Him limited my ability to see clearly all the answers to the prayers that I dared not utter. It's a little sad to think of all the time that I wasted, never realizing that I was compartmentalizing my relationship with God when all He wants is to spend time with us; for us to know Him.

So I've been praying about everything.

For three months I prayed about moving. The only answer that I got from God was, "Wait."

50 Feet In The Air

Everyone struggles with something in their faith right?
Or, I'm the only one...?

Lately I've really been trying to correct some unbelief I have in the area of prayer.
In short, I'm the kind of person that totally believes in prayer, that God blesses and heals and listens to the hearts of his children. I believe prayer works... for other people.
I've always struggled a bit with the truth that God cares about me and actually wants bless my life in huge ways. Not because I don't believe He is able, but because maybe, there's a reason He would not want to be willing.

It sounds kind of ridiculous to struggle with that, especially knowing that if it were not for God and his plans for my life, I would not be in this place right now, this place in which I am absolutely, undeniably content and even thrilled.

But it's true, I have weaknesses, lots of them, just like you.
*gasp* Yeah, I just called you out.

Kicked Out

I found out some very interesting news yesterday: My resident visa application cannot be processed yet.
The reason? apparently a letter from my college stating that I am a graduate, complete with school seal, is not good enough proof for the Kenyan Immigration Authority that I am educated.
I guess I'll need to send someone on a hunt for my diploma, which I'm sure is very buried and very dusty in storage.

Would have been nice to have known this before I paid for the letter from school and WAY before it was time for my tourist visa to expire.

I have to leave Kenya.
Not just Kenya actually, the region... something about an East African Visa makes it unacceptable to just cross over into Tanzania or Uganda and hop back in. And heading north seems like a bad idea at the moment; Somalia and Sudan both having their issues. Ethiopia could be an option, but I'm not really sure yet where I'll go.

It's not like I'm not up for an adventure, but this necessary trip was unexpected and therefor not budgeted for.
Not knowing a lot of people in surrounding countries makes it even more expensive because hotels have to be factored in and unless I want to sit on a bus or a train for days, airfare also has to be considered.

I know that God already has an idea for me, He just hasn't told me yet.
I will have to leave by November 30, and will also need to look into acquiring a visa for wherever I'm headed, so please join me in praying for travel details and expenses to be provided for very quickly.

Any suggestions for cheap travel on this continent?

Loneliness Isn't Pretty

I promised myself I’d be real in this blog and that promise gets harder to keep every time I’m faced with difficulty that proves my inability to do this work on my own.

If you don’t ever want to feel lonely, don’t be a missionary.

I think I may have overlooked my lack of community when I was preparing to come back to Kenya. You see, in the past when I lived here and served here, I was part of an organization that forced you into a community whether you liked it or not. I served with teams, I lead teams and I partnered with teams. I was always surrounded by peers and co-workers and like minded people.

Now, I have come back as an individual. I am the only member on this end of my ministry team and I am the sole representative of Global Outreach in this country.

Why is that such a big deal?

Because I don’t have a community yet, and that can make you feel really vulnerable and lonely. Because we were made for companionship. We were made for community. Even the most severe of introverts require solid friendships and people to lean on. And in this line of work, where the days can be exhausting just watching and listening to people in need, for me, it’s the evenings where I crave those friends that I can talk to.

We Did It!

Just a short update to tell you that FINALLY, my monthly support goal has been met.

I've written before about part of the reason that it took so long 

(you can read about that here "You're Not Going Anywhere With That Attitude")

but it's an amazing feeling to know that,

1. God really does have a job for me in Kenya because He's arranged my way

2. I don't have to look like a wandering fool anymore, just a regular fool

3. My patience, the little that I had, is being rewarded with so many answers to long prayed prayers.

My departure date is SOON... very soon.

The date is in my head and I think I will purchase my plane ticket tomorrow.

When I have that ticket, then I will tell you the date.

Thank you a billion times, those that have been praying, giving, encouraging and all that good stuff.

And for those that weren't so sure I was right in the head... it's alright, I forgive you cause,

I'M GOING TO NAIROBI

From Oliver to Hope

This was written by Oliver to express his thankfulness for the offerings that were made to help with his schooling.

"Appreciation for Support Offered

I’ve searched for words, in vain I get them

I’ve prayed for words, in pursuit for words

Consultation I’ve made, my brain the source

Arise from your slumber, I complain to it

At last it recovered, here being affections

The universe is large, the inhabitants are God’s

Never have I met Canadians as you

Tenderness your virtue, principle is charity

Helmet being care, shield your compassion

Wow, how to describe, I lack words

The Oliver you have nourished, will be like olive oil

To anoint other people, and chasing poverty

To raise innocence and life from bitterness in this world

And promote togetherness by preaching equality

For God is my Father, me, His son

The last but an important expression is it

I beseech your decency, to soldier on

Supporting my failed background, nursing me to might

The challenges I understand, affect you too

But your humble offer, I really really appreciate.

The world is full, but few care

‘Christian’ today, is just but a title

Action stronger than words, as it was said

Thank you, thank you and thank you

A bundle is stronger than a stick

A hand that gives is better than a mouth that just prays

Together as one, you have resurrected a hopeless soul

Your contribution is what makes it to be what you see

Why should I forget it?

Is my mind approaching expiry date?

Why too, and for what reason should I?

Never in my life will I forget

The offer you give, gives me joy and hope

Why should God be denied praises?

The keys to closed doors is a seed growing in Hope church

Forever it will sprout healthy

To produce wonderful results

Through every situation to my bed of death

I will remember Hope church."

He Is All About Details

When I spoke at church weeks ago I told a bit of the story of a friend of mine named Oliver.

He is a young man of great faith, a great writer, funny and has a very kind and observant heart. He is 14 years old and though life has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination he knows and trusts that God is on his side.


I may do a series on here about his story in the future but I wanted to quickly share something great today.

When I spoke about Oliver at church, I talked about how school fees are a huge hurdle for his family. God has provided for his schooling in great ways through neighbors and other incredible means. These last two weeks are no exception.

After my message I was approached by a few people wanting to help with his schooling and so the last two Sunday mornings there was an offering taken for him.

I had not made it known to the church how much was needed. But, when I totaled up the gifts from both weeks, the final amount was the exact amount that is needed to cover the term.

I won't say that I'm surprised as much as I am expectantly grateful. I know that we serve a God of details who knows our needs and is not only capable but insistent on providing for them. This is how I know that even though, up to now, Oliver only has money to complete grade 9, he will finish high school. I'm very confident in that and I know that he is too.