I Don't Like Investing in Short Term Relationships

... is what I try not to say when I say things like, "I'm an introvert, I have to push myself to be social" or "I've had a long week, I just want to be around friends."

Truth is, most missionaries feel this way. Introverts and extroverts alike eventually get sick of people coming and going from their lives. We tend to stick close to those who are more likely to be permanent and hold loosely those whom we know will board a plane to depart just as quickly as they did to arrive. 

It doesn't have a lot to do with their lack of knowledge about their current surroundings, nor does it have anything to do with their short term agendas.

It is more likely that it has everything to do with the fact that as a missionary or any person who lives abroad, you have endured your share of great relationships who have been pulled away from you simply by the divide of an ocean... or a mountain, or even the scarcity of transport from one place to another.

We meet someone who we have a lot in common with. It could be geography, passion, language, list of movies, common holidays even. And then just as you think you've made a new best friend, their path branches off to a different set of adventures from yours, and let's face it: out of sight, out of mind.

Stand Firm and Let God Fight

I had an unpleasant encounter with a neighbor a few days ago.
After a day long meeting and an hour in traffic, I enter the gate to my street and out of the darkness, a man I've never met, says harshly, "Where's the 500 you owe for security?"
My response should have had much more patience but it didn't. The short 'conversation' ended with, "This gate is illegal, I should call city council!" He yelled as I stormed off, "If you don't pay, you don't pass through the gate. There! I've told the guards, you can't pass here now."

I Only Asked For Bread

...and somehow ended up with a bakery.

In my last post I mentioned that one of my weaknesses is trusting that I am worthy of all of God's goodness through answered prayer. To re-cap, it says in Matthew 5:9-11, "You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."

My lack of trust has nothing to do with God answering my prayers or not, cause the more I look at my history of relationship with Him, it's clear to see that I am insane for believing this lie. One thing that is for sure though is that my previous lack of vulnerability in bringing things to Him limited my ability to see clearly all the answers to the prayers that I dared not utter. It's a little sad to think of all the time that I wasted, never realizing that I was compartmentalizing my relationship with God when all He wants is to spend time with us; for us to know Him.

So I've been praying about everything.

For three months I prayed about moving. The only answer that I got from God was, "Wait."

Loneliness Isn't Pretty

I promised myself I’d be real in this blog and that promise gets harder to keep every time I’m faced with difficulty that proves my inability to do this work on my own.

If you don’t ever want to feel lonely, don’t be a missionary.

I think I may have overlooked my lack of community when I was preparing to come back to Kenya. You see, in the past when I lived here and served here, I was part of an organization that forced you into a community whether you liked it or not. I served with teams, I lead teams and I partnered with teams. I was always surrounded by peers and co-workers and like minded people.

Now, I have come back as an individual. I am the only member on this end of my ministry team and I am the sole representative of Global Outreach in this country.

Why is that such a big deal?

Because I don’t have a community yet, and that can make you feel really vulnerable and lonely. Because we were made for companionship. We were made for community. Even the most severe of introverts require solid friendships and people to lean on. And in this line of work, where the days can be exhausting just watching and listening to people in need, for me, it’s the evenings where I crave those friends that I can talk to.

Like a Ton of Bricks

This title seems to blanket my last week in Canada so far.

-Saying goodbye to my grandparents was like a ton of bricks to the gut.

-I sprained my ankle when I slipped down the stairs and hit the floor like a ton of bricks.

-5 days didn't seem so dismal till I looked at the calendar and the nearness of my departure hit me like a ton of bricks.

Seriously... 5 days? Yikes!

I still have a lot more goodbyes to say but I have to take them one day at a time. If I think about them all at once it gets really overwhelming. 

Leaving is hard. 

I've never liked that part. 

I'm a bit of a crier too, and I'm not great at the pretty cry. And don't even try to get me to talk while I'm crying... it's messy and sounds ridiculous. So, the only way I can avoid being a mess every day is to take one day at a time. And think of the arriving more than the leaving.

It's not that I'm trying to brush aside the people I care about. But it's that I'm trying to remember, and keep in the foreground the reason for why I'm leaving. The work that God is preparing for me to do is so much bigger than my relationships. More important than my accessibility to family and friends.

He will always provide that support group I need too! In my North American home and in my African home.

So I try to see big picture, and soak in every remaining moment and remain very very thankful for technology's ability to shrink this world.

And now, with this sprained ankle I don't have much time to sit and let it heal before I have to travel for 2 days. So please pray for quick healing and that this wouldn't hinder any of the tasks I need to accomplish in order to find and get settled into my new diggs in Nairobi.

This Is Where You Participate *Gasp*

I know you are out there.
I know you are reading this because I look at my blog stats. They tell me that you are reading this.
Ok, not specifically you... that would be a little '1984-ish' and probably an invasion of social security, but I know there are a number of people that visit this blog and I would LOVE to know who YOU are.


If you are a frequent reader, first time reader, have commented before, have never commented before, don't read a lot of blogs, love blogs, know me personally, don't know me personally, reside on this earth somewhere, have ever used a computer, think you rock technology, think you suck at technology or are reading this right now, either through email or directly from this blog, I'm talking to you.


So, this is where you participate.
Here are a few questions to get the ball rolling.

1. What's your name?


2. Where are you from?


3. Where is the furthest place you've ever traveled to?
    OR what's the longest you've ever been away from home.


I look forward to getting to know you.