Loneliness Isn't Pretty

I promised myself I’d be real in this blog and that promise gets harder to keep every time I’m faced with difficulty that proves my inability to do this work on my own.

If you don’t ever want to feel lonely, don’t be a missionary.

I think I may have overlooked my lack of community when I was preparing to come back to Kenya. You see, in the past when I lived here and served here, I was part of an organization that forced you into a community whether you liked it or not. I served with teams, I lead teams and I partnered with teams. I was always surrounded by peers and co-workers and like minded people.

Now, I have come back as an individual. I am the only member on this end of my ministry team and I am the sole representative of Global Outreach in this country.

Why is that such a big deal?

Because I don’t have a community yet, and that can make you feel really vulnerable and lonely. Because we were made for companionship. We were made for community. Even the most severe of introverts require solid friendships and people to lean on. And in this line of work, where the days can be exhausting just watching and listening to people in need, for me, it’s the evenings where I crave those friends that I can talk to.

But I don’t have that yet. And tonight, feeling pathetically alone and knowing full well that God will provide that for me, eventually… He reminded me of something more important.

That when those people aren’t there… He is!

I can’t tell you how much I wanted to just be able to drive to my small group back home tonight, or call up everyone in my phone book to hear a familiar voice. But I can’t do that. I don’t have that luxury anymore. I’m a missionary. I have abandoned all my comforts. And it’s nights like these that make me wonder if I can do it.

But my God calms me down in a way no one can. He reminds me that spending a little time with Him is even more fulfilling than spending hours with friends. He wipes my tears away so I don’t look so pathetic and reassures me that I’m going to be fine and I can do this.

I do need a community but more than that, I need the friendship of the one who called me to be here. And He will never leave me or forsake me. On that truth I can stand forever.

So please pray that I will find my community. And that God would provide solid relationships in my life here. And if I had my way… sooner, rather than later.