When Life Hurts

As I sit here paralyzed by thought, pushing out and replacing hurtful scenes that keep trying to force themselves into center stage, I feel a familiar tug of hope on my heart. It's way down there, but it's there.

All my major organs are battling for normalcy. My heart for healing, my stomach for calm, my skin for warmth, my brain for peace, my blood to cool, my muscles to loosen my lungs to stop aching. Our bodies were designed to experience intense joy but because of that we also experience severe pain. It's the blessing and the curse of being alive.

I know that I'm not the only one who has ever felt hurt. I know that because of living in this world, where someone else's sin can affect your life and your sin can affect someone else's life, we have all been wounded. And if it hasn't happened yet, then I hope that you are spared somehow.

I'm desperate for truth but I'm equally as desperate for an eraser. I want to erase the memories and conversations that keep me up at night and wake me up in the morning. I fight the bitterness and I thank God that it hasn't won over me. It's a fight that I'm no longer fighting alone. My emotions are on life support and each beep represents a second. Each second is a feeble attempt at allowing or blocking thoughts that determine my current state of mind. It's unstable, one wrong move could send it all toppling over with my body following it to the floor and then I'm back at the beginning. Starting to sort all over again.

I don't write this for revenge or slander or recognition. I write it because of that familiar tug of hope inside of me. Because there is a God who loves us and wraps us in His arms. Because when our hearts are broken and trampled, he feels it too. Sin grieves Him, it breaks His heart. Paul writes to Christians in Ephesians 4:25-32 [msg]

What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.  Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.  Did you use to make ends meet by stealing? Well, no more! Get an honest job so that you can help others who can't work.  Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.  Don't grieve God. Don't break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted.  Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

And just as when we do wrong we break His heart, when someone wrongs us it breaks His heart. Like a Father or Mother who feels pain when their child is hurt, God feels it so much more because He sees more. He sees the root and the extent of the damage. But it is never beyond repair.

I want people to know what He's showing me. That God is more powerful than your hurt. He can heal you. He will heal me. It's ok to grieve. It's ok to be angry. I'm not ashamed of how I feel because even Jesus felt this way. He was wrongfully disowned by one of His best friends as He was being sentenced to the most physically and emotionally painful moments of His life. [Matthew 26:69-75]

It is because I know that I'm not alone that I know I will be ok and that I can move on. Not one day at a time, but one minute at a time. It still hurts, I will still have days when I fail to sort out the painful thoughts and crash into the ground but there is increasing comfort in the knowledge that He loves me. Justice is not mine to be had, bitterness has no home here. In my strong moments I choose God so that in my weak moments He will carry me. It's not easy. I won't lie and tell you it is. But even though life hurts sometimes, we are not alone.
He loves us.

Oops

I had the address wrong on my previous post.
Please note that it should be 85 Kings Cres. in Ajax

Sorry about that.

Come and Listen

Are you in the area?

Do you want to hear about and see some things that I will be doing in Kenya? I will be explaining most of that next Sunday. 

I can't promise it will be eloquent, but I can tell you that I'll do my best!

I will be speaking on Sunday July 25th at Hope Community Church in Ajax.
35 85 King's Crescent, Ajax
The service starts at 10am and goes to 11:30am.
Dress code is casual.

If you are free I would love to see you there.

And please pray that this small version of writers block will lift so that I can resume being productive.

Thanks for the offer but I'll walk.

I'm setting my, 'this first post better be really good' nerves aside and I'm just going to jump into this thing. Cause a cannonball into the deep end is much easier than a slow entry into a cold pool.

Where I've been:

I'm at home in Canada. I've been here since last September.

When I left Nairobi I had this fanciful idea that I would be back in a couple of months. I was hopeful, I even had some leads on how that would happen, but that couple of months turned into 10 and I'm still home.

10 months of waiting for something can wear on you. It's nothing compared to 40 years in a desert and I thank God for that. But, I've had a lot of confusing moments. I've faced a lot of questions, discouragement and rejection. These from myself, people around me and organizations that I had applied to. Not all the time, but enough at times to get me down and cause confusion and even doubt. But from God, I always received an urge to be patient, encouragement and promise of something great.

I don't know if you've ever experienced a time where you knew that you were supposed to be on a specific road in life even though it was a tough one. The only way I can describe it is like this.

Where I'm at:

It's like you are walking down a deserted road in the scorching heat carrying a heavy bag. You know that once you get to the end of the road, to your destination -even though it's beyond what you can see right now- you will be able to rest for a bit. But the bag is so heavy and you are so tired, thirsty and uncomfortably hot that even sitting down to rest isn't an option.

And then... a car comes by. The driver sees your challenge, and wants to help you so you are offered a ride. The car is air conditioned, you are offered a cold drink and you could finally take off your bag and put it in the trunk. But this car isn't headed in your direction. It's headed back to where you just came from. You know what it was like back there. You are comfortable with familiar things but you've been promised something greater at the end of this difficult road. And all you can do is trust that this promise is true. Because back where you started is easier and familiar and your friends and family are there, but the whole time you were there, your heart was in that promise.

So many people are like that driver. They see someone facing a challenge and want to help. I do it too. If only there were a way to lessen their load, to lift their burden and offer them something easier. For me, the place that the driver wanted to help me get to was a stable career, owning a home and a car and possibly settling down with a family and being financially comfortable. That's not a bad life. Maybe it's what God promised you. There's nothing wrong with that, for most people. But it's not what I was promised. At least not right now. Maybe that will be my future, maybe not, I don't really know. But what I do know is that at the end of this road is a destination that was designed with me in mind. And that's REALLY exciting to me.

Some people that will read this will probably think that it's sad or absurd or maybe a mixture of both. That I'm crazy or irresponsible or just plain lost. But I can honestly assure everyone that I find my purpose when I am working with God in cross cultural missions than when I am working with God in a career back home. It's just who He created me to be.

Where I'm going:

So during the 10 month (so far) walk down this road I have recently been able to catch glimpses of the destination. There was definitely a reason that I had to be patient. God was putting things into place the whole time and now that things are lining up, I will be returning to Nairobi, hopefully in October.

What I will be doing there you can read about by clicking on 'Why Stories?' in the menu above. And just because you may not have been called to live out this kind of work or if your purpose is to remain home it doesn't mean that you can't be part of what is happening in Kenya or anywhere else in the world. If you are interested in joining me in what I'm doing there are ways you can do that without even leaving your computer. If you are interested, you can contact me through the menu above and let me know how you would like to be involved. I know I can find a place for you on this team. It's going to be a fantastic ride and I will keep you informed every step of the way.

The difficult road is already worth it. Thank you to everyone who supported me on it, those who were looking out for me and even those who offered me a ride. I know your heart was in the right place.