I Don't Like Investing in Short Term Relationships

... is what I try not to say when I say things like, "I'm an introvert, I have to push myself to be social" or "I've had a long week, I just want to be around friends."

Truth is, most missionaries feel this way. Introverts and extroverts alike eventually get sick of people coming and going from their lives. We tend to stick close to those who are more likely to be permanent and hold loosely those whom we know will board a plane to depart just as quickly as they did to arrive. 

It doesn't have a lot to do with their lack of knowledge about their current surroundings, nor does it have anything to do with their short term agendas.

It is more likely that it has everything to do with the fact that as a missionary or any person who lives abroad, you have endured your share of great relationships who have been pulled away from you simply by the divide of an ocean... or a mountain, or even the scarcity of transport from one place to another.

We meet someone who we have a lot in common with. It could be geography, passion, language, list of movies, common holidays even. And then just as you think you've made a new best friend, their path branches off to a different set of adventures from yours, and let's face it: out of sight, out of mind.

Picking up the Pieces

The mall may be deserted and the gun fire has stopped.
But the influence this day has left on people will not be forgotten.

Westage Mall collapse

It has been exactly one week since terrorists stormed the Westgate mall in Nairobi and people are back to their routines. The weekend hosted dozens of funerals including the funeral of the president's nephew and his fiance which was held at Nairobi Chapel on Friday morning. I had the opportunity to help make sure things went smoothly and as the place packed with about 3,000 mourners and press, it was evident that last Saturday will be forgotten by few.

It is not only those who lost loved ones who will forever have it etched in their brains. It is also the ones who escaped that will grieve. They will need to come to terms with this experience and for a few, a lot of internal healing will need to be sought.

Today the state of the once very posh shopping centre lies in rubble (above) but it will be rebuilt and restored and enjoyed again. As will the hearts of everyone affected by this horrible event.

A friend of mine was in the mall with her children that day. Her photo was taken and her story recorded here.

4 year old Portia, running to safety

I Want This So Badly...

When was the last time you wanted something really badly?

I guess for some it's the new iphone or that house you saw on the way up north. 

For others it's that job you've spent four years of your life studying for or maybe it's more personal than that.

There aren't a lot of things that I've wanted more badly than this. And it's hard for me to talk about things that are not yet mine. I don't like to be in want, I don't like getting my hopes up for things that are not certain and I don't like sounding discontent.

In fact, the last thing I wanted this badly... was not meant for me. 

And God didn't let me have it.

Just Spinning My Wheels

Someone once told me, 

“If you don’t have time for God, then you’re doing more than He planned for you to do.”

I should have seen it coming. I typically know my limits but I had some questions I needed answered that seemed pressing since I stepped back on Kenyan soil.

Should I continue what I’m doing or is God moving me elsewhere?

Will I ever get a residency permit?

Will I be able to afford to get out next time my visa expires?

Will enough money come to pay the bills next month?

How long will I be here this time?

Does God even want me here anymore?

I may not have the answer to all of these yet but I can tell you one thing: A lot of these answers are used to entice me to doubt, to bring me down and to shift my focus away from where it should be.

Stand Firm and Let God Fight

I had an unpleasant encounter with a neighbor a few days ago.
After a day long meeting and an hour in traffic, I enter the gate to my street and out of the darkness, a man I've never met, says harshly, "Where's the 500 you owe for security?"
My response should have had much more patience but it didn't. The short 'conversation' ended with, "This gate is illegal, I should call city council!" He yelled as I stormed off, "If you don't pay, you don't pass through the gate. There! I've told the guards, you can't pass here now."

If He Said It...

It was a Wednesday night and watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was a bad idea because I was already feeling a bit emotional.

I was trying to get my mind off of this huge mountain in front of me but just looking away doesn't make anything disappear. Two hours of avoidance had gone by and I knew I had to face it. There was a deadline in my near future and there was absolutely nothing that I could do to meet it.

I needed to hear from God so I approached Him in the laziest way I could: I opened up a Bible Study that I had been doing with a group of ladies, ironically titled, "He speaks to me." I re-read sentence after sentence and it was only after two pages of not really reading that I finally gave up and timidly opened my mouth.

It wasn't long before I became a puffy-faced mess on my bedroom floor.

I realized there were things I hadn't talked to God about, simply because I didn't want to say them out loud. and then I got to the heart of it: "I can't do this God. I have no resources, no money, There's nothing I can do to make this happen. You HAVE to do this."

This Is Kinda Tough

Bad news...
Immigration has decided to decline my application for a missionary permit.
I have yet to find out the reason yet, but this means that I am not YET a resident of Kenya.
My tourist visa is expiring at the beginning of July and so I need to leave the country... again.

There are a lot of aspects of this situation that are trying to bring me down and, I'm not going to lie, I have my days of stress. It's really hard when things that are out of your control don't go as you want them to. And it's just plain hard when things are out of your control. But God is doing something big here and taking me through a transition. And even though the boat may be rocking, this boat will reach the shore... eventually.

We all know that when it rains it pours and boy, is it pouring right now. I won't go into detail about everything that is standing in my way because it's just temptation to complain and forget to trust in my God.

But I do need prayer. Please pray for provision for my going home and returning again.
Provision has been a theme in my life for the past few years and you'd think I would have learned to trust without doubting by now. But I admit, it is still a lesson I need to learn. I'm waiting on God for what seems like a miracle. And when it happens, I know it will be undeniably His doing.

Expired Follow Up

In my last post I mentioned that things were getting a little down to the wire in terms of immigration and my forced departure date.

Well, I spent 4 hours at immigration on Friday and walked out of a very strange morning with a one month extension on my tourist visa and a free lunch!

I can't really explain it any other way than God does interesting things just for the fun of it I'm sure.
Who asked for lunch? not me. But it was delicious.

So now I have 30 more days for my resident missionary permit to come through.
And the thing I'm most thankful about is not having to leave this coming Saturday because it was really bad timing.

I will keep checking weekly on my permit. Please pray with me that it comes through accepted, otherwise, pray for travel money. Either way, God's plans are strange, fun and always better than mine. So here we go... one more month.

Time Expired

Well, it's that time again!
That's right, my tourist visa is expiring.
yippeeeeee (in the most sarcastic way)
My visa expires on June 2. That gives me 14 days from tomorrow.

What does that mean?
Well, this time around, I'm not entirely sure. Typically it means that I need to leave the country. I've been there before... a couple of times.

Why is this time different?
Almost 3 months ago I submitted my application for a Missionary Permit. It has not returned yet. I'm hoping that because the application is in, and I'm waiting on immigration, that somehow I can get an extension on my tourist visa until my permit is ready. (assuming it won't be denied.)

What if it IS denied?
Or, what if you can't get an extension?
At this point, God is involving me in so many things over here that I have no doubt that He is not ending my time here. If the permit is denied then I'll either need to try again or look into other options. But immediately it will mean that I need to leave the country for a short period of time.

Missed Flight: Ethiopia #1

"I Will Beat You"

I am reminded of one of the reasons why I am here, in Nairobi, every time I hear someone open their mouths and something horrifying comes out.

A baby in the building next to me cries all day and night. I don't have kids, but this is not the cry of a stubborn child. It's the cry of a neglected and abused child. From what I can tell, the single Mother works all day, leaving the raising of her precious baby boy to an impatient, intolerant, unloving house keeper, who either ignores the baby or screams at him.

I hear him cry for what seems like hours with a cry that leaves you wondering how his little throat is not bleeding. And then I hear these words out of her mouth as she stands in the doorway from outside. “Nitakuchapa! I will beat you saa hii… Ohhhh to Jesus be glory!!” And then she goes back to her 90 degree angle, hunched over a pile of laundry or sweeping the hallway with a small bunch of reeds all the while singing praise songs that she likely learned at church.

Kicked Out

I found out some very interesting news yesterday: My resident visa application cannot be processed yet.
The reason? apparently a letter from my college stating that I am a graduate, complete with school seal, is not good enough proof for the Kenyan Immigration Authority that I am educated.
I guess I'll need to send someone on a hunt for my diploma, which I'm sure is very buried and very dusty in storage.

Would have been nice to have known this before I paid for the letter from school and WAY before it was time for my tourist visa to expire.

I have to leave Kenya.
Not just Kenya actually, the region... something about an East African Visa makes it unacceptable to just cross over into Tanzania or Uganda and hop back in. And heading north seems like a bad idea at the moment; Somalia and Sudan both having their issues. Ethiopia could be an option, but I'm not really sure yet where I'll go.

It's not like I'm not up for an adventure, but this necessary trip was unexpected and therefor not budgeted for.
Not knowing a lot of people in surrounding countries makes it even more expensive because hotels have to be factored in and unless I want to sit on a bus or a train for days, airfare also has to be considered.

I know that God already has an idea for me, He just hasn't told me yet.
I will have to leave by November 30, and will also need to look into acquiring a visa for wherever I'm headed, so please join me in praying for travel details and expenses to be provided for very quickly.

Any suggestions for cheap travel on this continent?

A Phone Stalker and a Big Fat Fail

It was the fourth hang up I had in 2 days from this number. One of the calls being at 6:30 in the morning. I decided to get to the bottom of the situation.

As I rang the number back I tried to chill out, in case it was someone I knew trying to get me on a different number. But when the guy picked up, I think my annoyance shot through the phone before I could suppress it.

Stranger - Hello?
Me - *pause* Who is this?
S- Mambo?
M- Poa. Who is this?
S- What's your name?
M- It doesn't matter what my name is. You keep calling my number.
S- I'm in some trouble, I need your help.
M- I don't even know who you are.
S- My name's Elijah.

Multiple Stab Wounds

"A knife would have been free" I explained to my friend when he questioned how my doctor's appointment went.
I explained to him how much I hate needles but even more so how I hate that here, I have to pay for nurses to attack my veins with sharp objects.

It's been almost a month since I first discovered that I had a problem.
The first infection was in my throat and I'm not sure I've even felt that much pain breathing before.
The hospital I went to charged me to see the doctor and then of course to get my meds.
But these meds didn't work. After 5 days of antibiotics I felt much better, but not being at all trained in the medical field, mostly because anything medical related makes me queezy, I didn't realize that my persistently runny nose meant that the infection wasn't fully gone. So it was alarming to me when my ears started hurting but I decided not to wait too long to get checked out this time.

Even with my haste, my ears were well along in the infection stage and I was given the option: Pills or injection.
Naturally, I chose pills and would happily take them, along with my bag of over the counter pain killers.

But 2 days later, as the antibiotics were subbed in because I was not strong enough to fight anymore, the pain in my ears was beyond any of the dulling that these lame pain pills could muster. With about 1400mg of ibuprofen in my system I still had a hard time sleeping.

So on the third day I went back in for my check-up and filled the doctor in on all that had gone on since I last saw her. Her response was injection. That was the only way, she told me, to make sure that this infection would be on the run completely.

So me, being somewhat used to vaccinations, though I still don't enjoy them, assumed I knew what I was in for. Boy was I WRONG!!

I watched the nurse fill up a giant syringe with 2 vials of clear liquid. (I think I heard the words "20ml" and then "not that bad") And as I was losing the battle of a sure-to-come panic attack, I asked where exactly he intended to stick me.

"In the vein", was the response I got and I nearly keeled over as I thought of bruised up IV hands. But I had to be tough, so I just whined a bit rather than full on sobbing.

He was good though. Explained what was happening as it happened and treated me just like a 3 year old, like I asked. I was thankful. But I did ask him if he though it was backwards that I had to pay him to stab me. He just laughed.

So I type today with a belly fully of drugs, two puncture wounds and empty pockets
Healthcare is expensive and I found myself thinking more than once about the people who can't afford the doctor's fees, let alone the drugs they are prescribed.

Please pray for me.
For this infection to leave me completely so that I would be healed and healthy and energized to serve.
And pray for those who are sick and can't do a thing about it.

Just Pray

It was my first night in my new apartment and I was looking forward to getting some good sleep after such a long day. But that wasn’t going to happen. Not because it was a new place, not because I was alone and not because Reagan and I had killed about 200 cockroaches that afternoon and I was worried they had called in re-enforcements. (Don't worry, they were all quite small)

The screaming started around 10:30 that night, echoing through the stair well and bouncing off every surface. It was hard to tell exactly where it was coming from until I heard banging on my ceiling from the neighbors above. It was a woman, in great distress, and not being a complete newbie to this country I had an idea of what was going on. 

Loneliness Isn't Pretty

I promised myself I’d be real in this blog and that promise gets harder to keep every time I’m faced with difficulty that proves my inability to do this work on my own.

If you don’t ever want to feel lonely, don’t be a missionary.

I think I may have overlooked my lack of community when I was preparing to come back to Kenya. You see, in the past when I lived here and served here, I was part of an organization that forced you into a community whether you liked it or not. I served with teams, I lead teams and I partnered with teams. I was always surrounded by peers and co-workers and like minded people.

Now, I have come back as an individual. I am the only member on this end of my ministry team and I am the sole representative of Global Outreach in this country.

Why is that such a big deal?

Because I don’t have a community yet, and that can make you feel really vulnerable and lonely. Because we were made for companionship. We were made for community. Even the most severe of introverts require solid friendships and people to lean on. And in this line of work, where the days can be exhausting just watching and listening to people in need, for me, it’s the evenings where I crave those friends that I can talk to.

Goodbye... For Now

About to head to bed for my last night in Canada for a while.

It's been a tough day and I know the morning will be difficult as well.
Just finishing up those goodbyes takes a toll.

I know that as soon as I'm able to sit on the plane and get to take off my eyes will shift forward and I'll be able to focus on arriving instead of departing.
But I do miss this home already, and all the people in it.

I already miss lunch with friends and dinner with family. Video games and renting movies. Pool parties, small group and 24/7 internet access. Spontaneous meals at restaurants and ordering in. Church on Sunday morning and that other church on Sunday night. Playing with kids and crafting with big kids. Building things, fixing things, playing games and laughing.

I know that I will be able to do all of this in my new home...
the difference is that I can't bring the people that I love doing these things with.
I miss you all already. Don't forget that.
Just cause I'm gone, I will still think and pray for you all the time.

And now, as I make my way to bed with 17 hours left on my flight countdown clock... I thank God that I am able to say goodbye. That I've made it this far. That I have a reason to leave and a reason to stay in touch.
The only reason leaving is this hard is because I love and I am loved.
And that is something to be really thankful for.

Like a Ton of Bricks

This title seems to blanket my last week in Canada so far.

-Saying goodbye to my grandparents was like a ton of bricks to the gut.

-I sprained my ankle when I slipped down the stairs and hit the floor like a ton of bricks.

-5 days didn't seem so dismal till I looked at the calendar and the nearness of my departure hit me like a ton of bricks.

Seriously... 5 days? Yikes!

I still have a lot more goodbyes to say but I have to take them one day at a time. If I think about them all at once it gets really overwhelming. 

Leaving is hard. 

I've never liked that part. 

I'm a bit of a crier too, and I'm not great at the pretty cry. And don't even try to get me to talk while I'm crying... it's messy and sounds ridiculous. So, the only way I can avoid being a mess every day is to take one day at a time. And think of the arriving more than the leaving.

It's not that I'm trying to brush aside the people I care about. But it's that I'm trying to remember, and keep in the foreground the reason for why I'm leaving. The work that God is preparing for me to do is so much bigger than my relationships. More important than my accessibility to family and friends.

He will always provide that support group I need too! In my North American home and in my African home.

So I try to see big picture, and soak in every remaining moment and remain very very thankful for technology's ability to shrink this world.

And now, with this sprained ankle I don't have much time to sit and let it heal before I have to travel for 2 days. So please pray for quick healing and that this wouldn't hinder any of the tasks I need to accomplish in order to find and get settled into my new diggs in Nairobi.

3 Weeks To Move Out

The house I've been staying in is being rented out the end of May. Which gives me 3 weeks to the day to move out.

The good thing: I'm pretty much already packed. I have been for months.

The bad thing: I'm in no position to pay for rent in this country and imposing on friends or family is really low on my list of hobbies.

Obviously the best option - that I can see - is to move to Nairobi and begin my work there. But the only thing that is stopping me from that is $80 a month.

I am praying for and waiting for the last couple of people who are able to join my team through monthly support so that I can say peace out to homelessness and head over to help the homeless in Kenya. (and orphans and widows and anyone else I can assist.)

I know I've said this before but if you have been thinking about it, or are even thinking about it now and are able to join me in this work... no gift is too small. If you can afford $10 or $15 a month, that could be what gets me to the end of this road. Check out how you can sign up for monthly support here. (see #2)

I have three weeks, and though I know that God often works in the "11th hour," I'm really hoping that I will be able to get on a plane before the new renters show up to the door with all their furniture.

"You're Not Going Anywhere With That Attitude!"

"Fine then, I'll just sit here and mope for a year about life and about how you won't let me go."

I don't think it's a coincidence that now that my heart is back in one piece that my financial goals are almost met when they were sitting stagnant for so long.

And this is where I leave my dirty laundry all over the floor for you to have a look at.