Just Spinning My Wheels

Someone once told me, 

“If you don’t have time for God, then you’re doing more than He planned for you to do.”

I should have seen it coming. I typically know my limits but I had some questions I needed answered that seemed pressing since I stepped back on Kenyan soil.

Should I continue what I’m doing or is God moving me elsewhere?

Will I ever get a residency permit?

Will I be able to afford to get out next time my visa expires?

Will enough money come to pay the bills next month?

How long will I be here this time?

Does God even want me here anymore?

I may not have the answer to all of these yet but I can tell you one thing: A lot of these answers are used to entice me to doubt, to bring me down and to shift my focus away from where it should be.

The first question is the wrong question and I have to keep reminding myself of that. It has the wrong motivation behind it. Ministry is service, yes. It is work. But if I forget who I’m serving then my service is empty, it is robotic, without heart or purpose. The better question is, “Is God still working here? And if so, am I working with Him?”

I have to admit, I've gotten really busy lately. That’s why you don’t see updates here. That’s also why I’m sick. I've been working so much I hadn't had a day off in three weeks and ended up - surprise, surprise – with a bacterial infection that spread to my eyes! The doctor put me on bed rest for 4 days and I’m currently following those orders.

I know that within the last few weeks I have left God in my dust again. He stood there waiting for me to slow down enough to realize that I was just spinning my wheels. I would stop long enough, of course, to pray for wisdom and strength and all the things I thought I needed, never stopping long enough to give Him what He wants.

Truth is, I missed Him. I missed Him a lot. But these questions are what drove me. The nagging questions about my future here that somehow, even after all God and I have been through together, I thought I could answer on my own.

He used my illness to knock some sense into me, as He has; it seems, a hundred times before. These questions, these nagging questions, will be answered in time. Just as the nagging questions before them. My first priority should be Him. Not how many ‘jobs’ I have. Not deadlines or medical bills or stressing over broken dinner party commitments. When I have time for God, I know exactly how much time is left for the other things. And more importantly; I know which other things require my attention and which ones don’t.

It’s a lesson I continue to learn. And I thank God, that He never tires of teaching me.