I Want This So Badly...

When was the last time you wanted something really badly?

I guess for some it's the new iphone or that house you saw on the way up north. 

For others it's that job you've spent four years of your life studying for or maybe it's more personal than that.

There aren't a lot of things that I've wanted more badly than this. And it's hard for me to talk about things that are not yet mine. I don't like to be in want, I don't like getting my hopes up for things that are not certain and I don't like sounding discontent.

In fact, the last thing I wanted this badly... was not meant for me. 

And God didn't let me have it.

Just Spinning My Wheels

Someone once told me, 

“If you don’t have time for God, then you’re doing more than He planned for you to do.”

I should have seen it coming. I typically know my limits but I had some questions I needed answered that seemed pressing since I stepped back on Kenyan soil.

Should I continue what I’m doing or is God moving me elsewhere?

Will I ever get a residency permit?

Will I be able to afford to get out next time my visa expires?

Will enough money come to pay the bills next month?

How long will I be here this time?

Does God even want me here anymore?

I may not have the answer to all of these yet but I can tell you one thing: A lot of these answers are used to entice me to doubt, to bring me down and to shift my focus away from where it should be.

Stand Firm and Let God Fight

I had an unpleasant encounter with a neighbor a few days ago.
After a day long meeting and an hour in traffic, I enter the gate to my street and out of the darkness, a man I've never met, says harshly, "Where's the 500 you owe for security?"
My response should have had much more patience but it didn't. The short 'conversation' ended with, "This gate is illegal, I should call city council!" He yelled as I stormed off, "If you don't pay, you don't pass through the gate. There! I've told the guards, you can't pass here now."

The Rattlesnake And The Man

This morning I woke from a dream unlike any I've ever had before. I was with a man, one I didn't recognize from my life, who was teaching me some things as we wondered through some rooms.

We came to a room that we needed to get through but there was a single rattlesnake in this room. I can't remember what was on the other side of this room but I do remember feeling like I would brave anything just to get there. This man claimed that this snake was assiduous in it's desire to attack him the last time he passed through but he knew how to thwart the snake. 

The next thing I know, I am floating through the room side by side with this man. It seemed as if he intentionally led us to the snake rather than trying to get through the room quickly. He had a large piece of paper that draped down and he continuously positioned us in a way that if the snake struck, we would be defended by this shield. It was working, only I couldn't figure out why this man continued to stay in the corner of the room where this snake was, locked in a dance that seemed frustratingly unnecessary. 

I became fearful the longer we danced there and found myself separated from the man and trying to get to the door. Only, the further I got from the man, the lower I floated and somehow, this rattlesnake had ended up right in front of me. I heard the man call me back quickly. But I froze. Then the man yelled out a direction but it was too late. The snake lunged and just as I woke up, I knew that the 'me' I left in that dream had suffered a fatal bite.

I Only Asked For Bread

...and somehow ended up with a bakery.

In my last post I mentioned that one of my weaknesses is trusting that I am worthy of all of God's goodness through answered prayer. To re-cap, it says in Matthew 5:9-11, "You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."

My lack of trust has nothing to do with God answering my prayers or not, cause the more I look at my history of relationship with Him, it's clear to see that I am insane for believing this lie. One thing that is for sure though is that my previous lack of vulnerability in bringing things to Him limited my ability to see clearly all the answers to the prayers that I dared not utter. It's a little sad to think of all the time that I wasted, never realizing that I was compartmentalizing my relationship with God when all He wants is to spend time with us; for us to know Him.

So I've been praying about everything.

For three months I prayed about moving. The only answer that I got from God was, "Wait."

He will NOT let me go!

His grip on me is so strong I can't do anything to shake it.

Today was a day that took me by surprise.

For anyone who works for, or is involved in ministry, in a Sunday morning church service, you know what I'm talking about when I say, sometimes, you have to make an effort to remember why and who you are serving.

It's easy to get lost in the 'work' aspect of your day and miss out on the worship, the message and ultimately miss out on what the Holy Spirit is doing in that room.

I'm guilty of that sometimes, especially when directing the video feed. As a director, your job is to talk constantly to camera operators, computer operators, sound people and anyone else you need to talk to in order to make everything run smoothly.

But today, I found myself in a place that took every ounce of responsibility in me not to drop my walkie-talkies, abandon my video mixer and just worship! And from 11am this morning even until this very minute, 9:30pm, Jesus has not left my side.

It's an encounter in which He sought me out. And it is so true of His character.

I've just gone through a difficult week emotionally... and spiritually. 

I failed this week. 

I ultimately needed forgiveness in a big way this week. 

And just as I weakly try to crawl from my hole and face my God, He acts as if I did nothing wrong.

"How God? How can you just love me like this after what I've done?"

"You brought your failures to me and admitted that you needed my help right?"

"Yeah."

"You asked for my forgiveness didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Then it's gone. Let's move on."

I Wonder If They Can Hear Me

This couch, this noisy wooden couch...
Every time I move it creaks.
And if the sound of the vampires upstairs, stirring around 12:30am on a daily basis, are any indication of how sound travels through this poorly constructed concrete building, then I'm sure my neighbors can hear me.
Do they hear my hips pop when I sit up because this noisy couch is like lounging on a stone?
I wonder if they can hear me shut my bedroom door, or flush the toilet,
or yell at my video game when I blame it for my screw-ups?
Can they hear me like I can hear the ghost from unit 8 who's daily routine is radio, soaps, movies and more radio; all at a level only partially deaf people enjoy their sound systems?

Slower Than You'd Like Me To Be

I met this guy the other day. He is the brother of a friend of mine and I love when I have the opportunity to talk to someone who is genuinely interested in my life rather than what I may or may not have in my pocket.

I’ve just come through a bit of a difficult week in interactions with the opposite sex. Let’s just say I ran into a lot of vulgarity last week on top of having to re-evaluate some friendships and deal with the always awkward, “we are just friends and nothing more” conversation. But God is faithful and gave me the grace I needed even when I was VERY close to throwing rocks at one not-so-gentle-man on the street.

That week aside, this conversation I was having with my friend’s brother reminded me of so many things that I love about this place; mostly the general importance of relationship over hustle and how the pace of life is just much slower than I’m used to.

Nairobi is a very busy city and the suburbs have followed suit. Everyone is trying to accomplish four or five projects at once, whether they are profiting, volunteering or otherwise. And compared to the rural areas… well there’s no comparison in speed really. The country side is way too slow paced for me to function.

But even though Nairobi is a busy city there are still many ‘African Community’ undertones. It’s not uncommon to be running 2 hours late because you stayed for a chat at one of your errands or met someone in town that you hadn’t planned on seeing and were invited for tea. Most people here don’t brush off those encounters, they respect them.

So, though I know this guy was only around the neighborhood to drop off a bag of sugar to his brother’s shop because of the sugar shortage, he sat and talked to me for about half an hour about family, school, business and aspirations. I love that about this place! There are no thick bubbles. Everyone knows everyone because they make time. They make time to sit and chat and learn about each other. They make time for caring about people, even if it means being late or losing a few hours of business.

We all know busyness gets in the way. We pack so many things into our day that we can barely accomplish everything on the list let alone make time for anyone else. And the area of life that Christians, like me, let that creep into way too often is in our relationship with Christ.

I’m not perfect; I can admit that I get way too busy to spend time with God…. a lot. But this slower paced life makes it harder to ignore my best friend. Because when I remember that tasks are just tasks and relationships are important, not only is that the purpose of the cross, but it changes my day to be relationship driven, not list driven. 

And it seems like the more time I spend with God the more I grasp this ashamedly alien notion: I’m not alive to accomplish lists, I’m alive to share what God has given me… life, freedom, forgiveness, love. And it’s only when I spend time with the giver of these things that I can freely give them.

So in this slower paced life I strive to do that daily. But not just here, it’s not about my location or the society that surrounds me. It’s about what’s under my skin and the pace of my heart that makes the difference.

Just Pray

It was my first night in my new apartment and I was looking forward to getting some good sleep after such a long day. But that wasn’t going to happen. Not because it was a new place, not because I was alone and not because Reagan and I had killed about 200 cockroaches that afternoon and I was worried they had called in re-enforcements. (Don't worry, they were all quite small)

The screaming started around 10:30 that night, echoing through the stair well and bouncing off every surface. It was hard to tell exactly where it was coming from until I heard banging on my ceiling from the neighbors above. It was a woman, in great distress, and not being a complete newbie to this country I had an idea of what was going on. 

You May Not Like Me After This...

But that's ok.

I don't normally make my opinions known on matters of this kind of controversy but I'm tired of the messages of hate being louder than those of love.

Twitter was what alerted me of the the President of the US's statement last night. And twitter was where I saw the opinion flood rise. It is possible that this is a moment in history that you will remember (more certainly so if you are American) much like the death of Lady Diana and the planes that crashed into the world trade centre.

It was that event, the attack on New York City, that hurled this man hunt for Osama Bin Laden into full gear almost 10 years ago.

"You're Not Going Anywhere With That Attitude!"

"Fine then, I'll just sit here and mope for a year about life and about how you won't let me go."

I don't think it's a coincidence that now that my heart is back in one piece that my financial goals are almost met when they were sitting stagnant for so long.

And this is where I leave my dirty laundry all over the floor for you to have a look at.

Like Car Accidents and Taco Bell

Has your life ever spontaneously 'derailed' (I use that word in the most dramatic way possible) from the direction it was headed and taken you somewhere else against your will?

Regardless of your plans somehow you ended up in a ditch and once you get your caboose back on the track in this new direction you look back to realize that you are so thankful you got slammed off the track in the first place?

Yeah, me neither.

There's This Girl I Know...

She had lost her joy.

She’s been going through some rough stuff recently that we can all learn from. It’s a struggle that many have experienced but I assure you it ends in victory.

(don’t worry, I have permission to write this)

How To Put Yourself First

Tonight I sat in a waiting room of a spa, wasting time as a friend of mine finished up with a client so we could head to dinner. I glanced over at a stack of magazines and on the cover of one in particular I spotted the words, "How to put yourself first."

It's amazing how expensive that lie is and even more amazing is how many people will buy it.

Truth is, we are receiving sales pitch after sales pitch about how to be more selfish when it's something that we are already really really good at. Any of us could write an article about how easy it is to put ourselves first. Show me a baby who, before learning how to form sentences, hasn't already mastered the word, "mine."

Good parents try desperately to teach their children to share and to be kind - to be less selfish. Training these young people for a world that doesn't reciprocate because at the end of the day, especially in first world nations, sharing is for chumps and being kind is equated to "being a push-over."

At least that's what we are lead to believe. Every single advertisement you see, except maybe charity ads, are pleading with you to realize your inner selfishness... and embrace it.

Embrace it why? Because the only thing more important than myself, is a happier version of myself. And just how is that attained? Apparently by buying new things and making more time for me.

I can hear it now, "what's wrong with buying things for yourself or relaxing every once in a while?"

Absolutely nothing. But it's when these things overcrowd our lives and we forget what the needs of others look like that this becomes a real problem. And let's be honest... when we unconsciously obey these ads does it really make us happy? Do they really offer the sense of completeness that they promise? When you headed to walmart because they were rolling back prices did you lay in bed that night and think, "wow, I saved $13 today and I feel fantastic."

I admit that I have felt the rush of a great pair of shoes on sale and I've enjoyed a weekend away to recuperate. But it didn't last long and if my life were to end today and I had time to write a top ten list of "my life's favourite moments" you can be sure that neither of those items would be even close to making the cut.

It's in my selfishness that I hurt others. It's in the selfishness of others that I feel hurt. The only thing that putting myself first really accomplishes is shallowness, loneliness and missed opportunities to be a light in this world.

The most notable people in history, in this world, and in your life are the people who put others first. They are the people who hear the trumpeting of self betterment and turn their gaze to someone in need. These are the ones who go out of their way to help, to comfort, to encourage and to aid even when they may be in need themselves. And the most honourable thing about these people is that when they serve others, they don't do it in hopes of being returned the favour.

I want to be that person. I want to live the kind of life that is sacrificial. 

To take my innate selfishness and spit in its face. To hate the ply of the majority and their convincing tactics to focus only on myself.

It really doesn't take much to make a difference in this world.

You don't have to be rich or brave or successful or even brilliant.

It starts with putting others first.

It's all about who?

This commercial bothers ME



I have nothing against higher education. I went to college, education is really important.
Seriously.. everyone should have the opportunity to go to college.
And to go to learn something that they love.
But it's the message in the commercial that gets to me.

"It's all about me!"
Guess what.. it's really not.

Life is not "all about me."
But it's a message that young people on this continent hear constantly.
And it's dangerous.

I definitely believe that people should take care of themselves. Selflessness does not equate to "letting yourself go" or seeing yourself as less than anyone else. But it's also not about seeing yourself as greater either.

The most influential (for good) people in this world would never say "It's all about me."
There's something really special and important about knowing that you aren't the center of the universe.
When we lose that thought, life can get ugly and lonely.

Jesus said that the second most important commandment is to "love others as you love yourself." [Matt 22:39]
So yes, I am important. But so are you.

It's not all about me. And, sorry to say, it's not all about you either.

This is not the first time I've written about this topic. Here is a blog I wrote on the old site in April 2007.