Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Loneliness Isn't Pretty

I promised myself I’d be real in this blog and that promise gets harder to keep every time I’m faced with difficulty that proves my inability to do this work on my own.

If you don’t ever want to feel lonely, don’t be a missionary.

I think I may have overlooked my lack of community when I was preparing to come back to Kenya. You see, in the past when I lived here and served here, I was part of an organization that forced you into a community whether you liked it or not. I served with teams, I lead teams and I partnered with teams. I was always surrounded by peers and co-workers and like minded people.

Now, I have come back as an individual. I am the only member on this end of my ministry team and I am the sole representative of Global Outreach in this country.

Why is that such a big deal?

Because I don’t have a community yet, and that can make you feel really vulnerable and lonely. Because we were made for companionship. We were made for community. Even the most severe of introverts require solid friendships and people to lean on. And in this line of work, where the days can be exhausting just watching and listening to people in need, for me, it’s the evenings where I crave those friends that I can talk to.

But I don’t have that yet. And tonight, feeling pathetically alone and knowing full well that God will provide that for me, eventually… He reminded me of something more important.

That when those people aren’t there… He is!

I can’t tell you how much I wanted to just be able to drive to my small group back home tonight, or call up everyone in my phone book to hear a familiar voice. But I can’t do that. I don’t have that luxury anymore. I’m a missionary. I have abandoned all my comforts. And it’s nights like these that make me wonder if I can do it.

But my God calms me down in a way no one can. He reminds me that spending a little time with Him is even more fulfilling than spending hours with friends. He wipes my tears away so I don’t look so pathetic and reassures me that I’m going to be fine and I can do this.

I do need a community but more than that, I need the friendship of the one who called me to be here. And He will never leave me or forsake me. On that truth I can stand forever.

So please pray that I will find my community. And that God would provide solid relationships in my life here. And if I had my way… sooner, rather than later.

8 comments:

  1. I'll definitely pray for you in that regard. In the meantime...BBM is so gr8. <3's and lip gloss, Anna

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  2. Within the past few days a little tear came down my check as I thought of you and I quietly asked, why am I feeling sad for Connie...I will call you or text you next time this happens :) Cheer up sweetie, thinking about you and pray for you daily and will add these items to our prayers.
    Love you Lots xo mum

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  3. Connie, I will be praying with you! Our God is the God of all comfort and as Paul wrote, "God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed" (2 Cor. 9:8). Praise God for that! All sufficiency in EVERYTHING. He is good.

    bb

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  4. Hey Connie!
    Praying for you especially hard on the loneliness issue! Sometimes I think we need those experiences to be reminded of just how sweet HE is to us. You are sooo right that He will never leave us or forsake us....cling to that truth.
    Praying for you to find that community!
    Love,
    Carmen

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  5. thanks everyone for the encouragement. It means a lot.

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  6. Con...You are right. You cannot do it. But you don't have to either. He will carry you through this. Read Isaiah 46:4 my dear. And even if you have given up everything to follow Him...remember that it is worth it!!!!! Love you!

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  7. Love you miss and miss you tons. But, I'm encouraged and spured on reading of how you are pressing into God. JC is the best BFF! I'll try to figure out skype too.
    d.

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  8. Praying for you and happy to be following along as you journey with our God. And isn't it amazing that after all these years I can do that xo

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