Just Spinning My Wheels

Someone once told me, 

“If you don’t have time for God, then you’re doing more than He planned for you to do.”

I should have seen it coming. I typically know my limits but I had some questions I needed answered that seemed pressing since I stepped back on Kenyan soil.

Should I continue what I’m doing or is God moving me elsewhere?

Will I ever get a residency permit?

Will I be able to afford to get out next time my visa expires?

Will enough money come to pay the bills next month?

How long will I be here this time?

Does God even want me here anymore?

I may not have the answer to all of these yet but I can tell you one thing: A lot of these answers are used to entice me to doubt, to bring me down and to shift my focus away from where it should be.

Stand Firm and Let God Fight

I had an unpleasant encounter with a neighbor a few days ago.
After a day long meeting and an hour in traffic, I enter the gate to my street and out of the darkness, a man I've never met, says harshly, "Where's the 500 you owe for security?"
My response should have had much more patience but it didn't. The short 'conversation' ended with, "This gate is illegal, I should call city council!" He yelled as I stormed off, "If you don't pay, you don't pass through the gate. There! I've told the guards, you can't pass here now."

The Rattlesnake And The Man

This morning I woke from a dream unlike any I've ever had before. I was with a man, one I didn't recognize from my life, who was teaching me some things as we wondered through some rooms.

We came to a room that we needed to get through but there was a single rattlesnake in this room. I can't remember what was on the other side of this room but I do remember feeling like I would brave anything just to get there. This man claimed that this snake was assiduous in it's desire to attack him the last time he passed through but he knew how to thwart the snake. 

The next thing I know, I am floating through the room side by side with this man. It seemed as if he intentionally led us to the snake rather than trying to get through the room quickly. He had a large piece of paper that draped down and he continuously positioned us in a way that if the snake struck, we would be defended by this shield. It was working, only I couldn't figure out why this man continued to stay in the corner of the room where this snake was, locked in a dance that seemed frustratingly unnecessary. 

I became fearful the longer we danced there and found myself separated from the man and trying to get to the door. Only, the further I got from the man, the lower I floated and somehow, this rattlesnake had ended up right in front of me. I heard the man call me back quickly. But I froze. Then the man yelled out a direction but it was too late. The snake lunged and just as I woke up, I knew that the 'me' I left in that dream had suffered a fatal bite.

If He Said It...

It was a Wednesday night and watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was a bad idea because I was already feeling a bit emotional.

I was trying to get my mind off of this huge mountain in front of me but just looking away doesn't make anything disappear. Two hours of avoidance had gone by and I knew I had to face it. There was a deadline in my near future and there was absolutely nothing that I could do to meet it.

I needed to hear from God so I approached Him in the laziest way I could: I opened up a Bible Study that I had been doing with a group of ladies, ironically titled, "He speaks to me." I re-read sentence after sentence and it was only after two pages of not really reading that I finally gave up and timidly opened my mouth.

It wasn't long before I became a puffy-faced mess on my bedroom floor.

I realized there were things I hadn't talked to God about, simply because I didn't want to say them out loud. and then I got to the heart of it: "I can't do this God. I have no resources, no money, There's nothing I can do to make this happen. You HAVE to do this."