The First Rule in Fire Hose Operation...

The first rule of fire hose operation is to hold on tight!

This is not a training that security guards receive though, I’m sure. Because on Wednesday afternoon, the two responsible for turning it on, ran as fast as the onlookers while that hose shot up like a drunken cobra ready to give concussions and a thorough bathing to anyone who dared enter it’s ring.

Let me back up a little to an enjoyable turkey, cheese and avocado wrap that I was doing my best to savor and not choke down like a goose because it was so delicious. I was having lunch with a pastor of mine, whom I always enjoy talking to. And as we chatted about friends, work and puppies we noticed an alarming amount of white smoke coming from the chimney of the adjacent restaurant. She made a joke about the announcement of a new pope as I thought, “Surely, the staff must know about this.” And, “At least the smoke isn't coming from the kitchen.”

Well the smoke turned a camel colour of brown and continued to billow out of this 25 foot metal chimney as a group of passersby started to congregate. It was at this time that I noticed that the street level outdoor seating area had been evacuated and waiters were scrambling to bring in valuable items like standing deck heaters.

More people gathered, and out came the cell phones. I made a comment about curiosity and video logging being the reason so many people fail to escape natural disasters. It’s like, “oooooh a raging fire… I wonder what it looks like from the inside. I bet it will look amazing on camera….” As the person slowly steps wide eyed and stone deaf to reason toward the threat of death.

But, back to the chimney. As the cell phones snapped photos and video and the traffic on facebook and twitter slightly increased, the two security guards started unraveling the giant, white, sleeping hose… Two guys were now on the roof, out of reach and unequipped to do much of anything to help the situation. Two guys were on the ground with fire extinguishers, also out of reach to do anything. By this time it had become apparent that the source of the smoke was actually the chimney itself: burning from the inside about half way up.

At our table, we did our best to integrate conversation with rubbernecking. It was when the gasps from the parking lot started and a quick glance up unveiled this flimsy black tower tilting at a very peculiar angle, that I found myself joining the choir of muffled panic. We all looked on, powerless to stop it, to watch the chimney bend in half and come crashing to the ground among the eatery’s patio tables and chairs in a charred, mangled mess.

And that’s when the hilarity ensued. The two security guards, I had mentioned earlier, sprang into action. Or should I say, “Sprang into comedy.” As one switched on the water, the hose twitched giving hints at what was about to take place. We all knew it. Yet, somehow no one took responsibility for taming it. And as it jerked again, this time much more violently, people screamed and ran in different directions, security included. They did come to their senses, albeit slightly too late and grabbed too far back from the hose’s spitting head as it continued to lurch in a thousand directions. It seemed to always be 3 steps ahead of the two men in blue uniform. Someone finally shut off the water and the hose lay lifeless and embarrassingly harmless in their hands.

A few people that were standing by and a few that had front row seats while enjoying their burgers fell victim to random hosing. You would have thought they had just gotten off of a water ride: ladies wringing out their skirts and a man storming off refusing to pay for his sopping lunch. Others of us got by with just a sprinkling as the dryer audience began to chuckle.

As I looked down at the table to the phones and meal that just dodged a very wet bullet, I too couldn't help but laugh and said a little thank you to God for sparing me the disappointment of a ruined turkey, cheese and avocado wrap.

This wasn't a common day, but one that held a sweet reminder: I love it here. And any foreigner in Kenya will agree that as long as you leave the house, something will make you smile.