All my major organs are battling for normalcy. My heart for healing, my stomach for calm, my skin for warmth, my brain for peace, my blood to cool, my muscles to loosen my lungs to stop aching. Our bodies were designed to experience intense joy but because of that we also experience severe pain. It's the blessing and the curse of being alive.
I know that I'm not the only one who has ever felt hurt. I know that because of living in this world, where someone else's sin can affect your life and your sin can affect someone else's life, we have all been wounded. And if it hasn't happened yet, then I hope that you are spared somehow.
I'm desperate for truth but I'm equally as desperate for an eraser. I want to erase the memories and conversations that keep me up at night and wake me up in the morning. I fight the bitterness and I thank God that it hasn't won over me. It's a fight that I'm no longer fighting alone. My emotions are on life support and each beep represents a second. Each second is a feeble attempt at allowing or blocking thoughts that determine my current state of mind. It's unstable, one wrong move could send it all toppling over with my body following it to the floor and then I'm back at the beginning. Starting to sort all over again.
I don't write this for revenge or slander or recognition. I write it because of that familiar tug of hope inside of me. Because there is a God who loves us and wraps us in His arms. Because when our hearts are broken and trampled, he feels it too. Sin grieves Him, it breaks His heart. Paul writes to Christians in Ephesians 4:25-32 [msg]
What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself. Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life. Did you use to make ends meet by stealing? Well, no more! Get an honest job so that you can help others who can't work. Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. Don't grieve God. Don't break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted. Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.And just as when we do wrong we break His heart, when someone wrongs us it breaks His heart. Like a Father or Mother who feels pain when their child is hurt, God feels it so much more because He sees more. He sees the root and the extent of the damage. But it is never beyond repair.
I want people to know what He's showing me. That God is more powerful than your hurt. He can heal you. He will heal me. It's ok to grieve. It's ok to be angry. I'm not ashamed of how I feel because even Jesus felt this way. He was wrongfully disowned by one of His best friends as He was being sentenced to the most physically and emotionally painful moments of His life. [Matthew 26:69-75]
It is because I know that I'm not alone that I know I will be ok and that I can move on. Not one day at a time, but one minute at a time. It still hurts, I will still have days when I fail to sort out the painful thoughts and crash into the ground but there is increasing comfort in the knowledge that He loves me. Justice is not mine to be had, bitterness has no home here. In my strong moments I choose God so that in my weak moments He will carry me. It's not easy. I won't lie and tell you it is. But even though life hurts sometimes, we are not alone.
He loves us.